I find it interesting that people keep saying things like defacto is "just" living with someone. Surely that is as judgemental as saying that marriage is "just" a piece of paper.
People choose to show their commitment in different ways - and this idea that someone in a defacto relationship can leave/walk out whenever they want is a very shallow argument. From what I have seen, there are people who can walk out on a marriage just as easily. ~ but that doesn't mean that they will!
My daughter was born when I was in a defacto relationship that lasted 6 years, and believe me - no one found "walking away" to be an easy thing. Even though we have not been together for over 15 years, we are still her parents and he is still very much a part of our lives. He and I were young, and though we both wanted the relationship to work, and we both did try, we didn't make it. He did go on and marry a wonderful woman (who he "just" lived with for 4 years first) They have 4 beautiful daughters of their own, who are also a big part of our lives - my daughter's and mine.
I'm curious rebecca.treadwell, are you living with your fiance until you do have enough money for your dream wedding? I don't think it's a bad thing if you are, but it would put you squarely in the category of being in a defacto relationship. You obviously believe that your commitment is real, and yet you say that "defactos" are "really not about love. It's about being with someone they need"
Isn't that a rather broad statement? How can you possibly say that is true about all defacto relationships? In this thread there have been people who have been in defacto relationships for thirty years or more - people who have been, or know/are related to, people who have been married multiple times. There are also a number of people who would love to have the option of getting married, but they are legally denied the right to do so. ~ It's not possible to judge a couple's level of commitment from the outside.
I don't think it's a bad thing to wait until you have the money for the sort of wedding you want (someone earlier said that a lack of money was the most ridiculous reason not to get married) I disagree, if someone has a dream about how they want to celebrate their love and commitment, then I think that is lovely. Whether it is declaring their love at a huge event with family and friends, or a simple civil ceremony. If some people choose to show their commitment by simply telling each other how they feel, and living together - that is just as valid in my opinion. Because, getting married is one thing - being married is another.
Yes, being married takes a lot of work - any long term, committed relationship takes work. However, there seems to be this attitude here that two people living together, sharing their lives, what they own, their finances (...which is the point of the question in the surveys) is only "serious" if there is a legally binding contract. That commitment cannot exist without that ceremony. I think that is not only unfair, but it is an argument that just doesn't hold up, especially given the divorce rates, not to mention the statistics on Domestic Violence and infidelity. Defacto relationships break down, but so do marriages and to claim that the ramifications - financially, emotionally, - are somehow lessened if the couple are not married is extremely unfair and naive. Particularly if their are children involved, but also if there is shared property and/or businesses.
I have seen so many couples who have decided to get married to try to "save" their relationship, or because they are going to have a baby, or any number of not so 'noble' reasons, - without really understanding what it means to live together and share their lives. The ones who rush into it, or try to use marriage, or moving in together for that matter, as a band-aid to fix a broken relationship are usually doomed before they begin.
Both types of relationship have their horror stories, as well as their successes, but I don't believe that one is necessarily "better" than the other.
I have been in a defacto relationship for 16 years, working together to build a solid foundation wasn't easy, our relationship is built on trust, commitment. We have two beautiful girls, marriage isn't the key, more important thing in life to worry about!
Single mother of two girls.
AGREE !!!
De Facto people need their own line !!!